The Four Myths of Forgiveness:
Why We Don’t Forgive the Ones We Love the Most
by Talane Miedaner
If you want to heal your emotional life in one magical move, forgive. If you want to unleash more energy, creativity and joy — drop your resentments like a heavy wool coat in summer and forgive. One client, Beth, 34, enjoys a highly successful career as a sales executive for a technology company. She works from home and loves her husband and three-year-old son. And yet happiness eludes her. Years ago, she felt deeply hurt when her father divorced her mother and married another woman. As a result, Beth has distanced herself from her dad.
Like Beth, most of us feel wronged in some way by people close to us. And most of us feel frustrated when it comes to forgiveness. We want to get this unpleasantness behind us, yet hang on to our grudges and gripes like a dog to its bone. We’ve bought into the four myths of forgiveness.
Myth #1: It’s not that important.
Why make a mountain out of a molehill? We toss the hurt into our bag of burdens, which compound faster than our IRAs, becoming heavier and heavier as we drag them through life. They drain our energy, infecting us as well as those around us with bitterness or resentment. Beth is modeling for her son a very cool, distant relationship with a parent. Is that what she wants later on with her child? Forgiveness is perhaps the most powerful practice we can embrace and the single greatest gift we can give ourselves. Beth has never spoken with her father about how hurt she felt when he left her mother and now every time she sees him, her unspoken anger and resentment bubble beneath a polite facade. Beth feels resigned to this way of life. The holidays are approaching and she’s dreading them. When we tell ourselves it’s not that important, we’re saying we’re not that important.
Myth #2: Let sleeping dogs lie.
The idea of revisiting some unpleasant incident from the past can feel so overwhelming, we’d rather ignore it. We procrastinate, insisting this isn’t the right time to forgive the person. Actually, there’s never a good time not to forgive. My clients typically procrastinate so I gently remind them until they get to it. And they are never sorry they did. Their only complaint? “Why did it take me so long?” For years Beth felt that talking with her dad about her feelings would only make things worse so why bother? When she realized she had nothing to lose but her bitterness, she decided to go ahead and try talking. They met at a restaurant and Beth thanked him for taking the time and let him know that she wanted to clear the air for the sake of her son. She said that even if they didn’t get along at least her son would have a grandfather.
Myth #3: Forgiving means condoning unacceptable or even evil beha vior.
This myth hooks a lot of us, especially the perfectionists. To get beyond this myth, keep your focus on yourself. Forgiveness has to do with you, not the other person or his behavior. You aren’t saying that their behavior is acceptable or condoning it in any way. In fact, you can say in one breath, “Your behavior was not acceptable. Don’t let it happen again. I forgive you.” Forgiveness acknowledges human frailty. It helps if you realize that we are all doing the best we can at the time, given the circumstances and sometimes that just isn’t good enough.
When Beth met with her father, she stated the facts of the situation from her point of view and gave her father time to tell his side of the story. He said, “I never wanted to lie to you, I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing your love.” He added that he very much wanted to be a grandpa, but hadn’t felt welcome.
Myth #4: You can’t forgive someone unless they apologize.
Often people wait and wait, hoping one day an apology will magically materialize so they can feel free of this troublesome loose end in life. In most cases, the offender doesn’t even realize she’s offended, so why would she think of apologizing? This myth would also mean we couldn’t forgive any of our not so dearly departed. Webster’s dictionary defines forgiveness as “giving up resentment of or claim to requital for.” In other words, the action is all right here in me and does not depend on the other person. You can forgive someone regardless of what they have done in the past and you can even forgive someone who is already dead and long gone. Forgiveness is for you – so you can be free of the anger, hurt and resentment. It isn’t for them or about them at all. That is the mistake most people make – if you think that by holding onto your anger and pain you are somehow punishing the offender you are gravely mistaken. The only person who loses is the person who can’t forgive. You’d be amazed how often the offender doesn’t even realize they did something offensive.
The real gift of forgiveness is that it’s an act complete in itself. You can do it no matter what the other person says or does. We can’t control what others do. We can only control ourselves. Don’t put off one of the most important steps in your life. It’s not necessary to ask for an apology or amends, but you may feel better if you do. Make your request without any expectation as to how the other person should respond. Be prepared to forgive them even if they say, “I never did that.”
Beth’s dad was grateful for the opportunity to apologize. Suddenly Beth realized that all her father wanted was to love and protect her. Yes, he had made a big mistake, but so had s he. She had shut him out. She said, “I’m so sorry.” Beth forgave her father; he forgave her. They hugged each other for the first time in 15 years.
Who do you most need to forgive? Begin today — make a list of everyone that you’d rather not bump into and write down exactly what they did that so terribly offended or hurt you. You may even be surprised that you can’t even recall the specifics of the incident yourself! Then make a point of writing, calling or speaking to each person on the list in order to clear the air. Make sure it is a good time to speak to them and that they aren’t distracted or busy. Speak in a neutral, calm tone of voice and stick to the facts. “You said or did x and I felt y.” Then you can ask for amends or an apology if appropriate. Whether or not they apologize you can say, “I forgive you” and you’ll be free.
Congratulations!
Make a resolution to start the New Year with a free and happy heart a nd start forgiving your loved ones this holiday season. You will be glad you did it!
Talane Miedaner, founder of the online coaching site, http://www.LifeCoach.com, is the international bestselling author of Coach Yourself to Success. She works in person, by phone, and online, helping her international clientele find wealth, success and happiness by restructuring their lives to easily attract the opportunities they want.
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Talane Miedaner, MCC
Author of the international best seller, Coach Yourself to Success (McGraw-Hill, Jan 2000) and The Secret Laws of Attraction
Get free coaching tips at LifeCoach.com Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
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